When my wife Abi first suggested to me over dinner that she might have ADHD, I was more than a little sceptical. We’d been having some problems and Abi would often look to pass responsibility to a ‘thing’. This was the latest, and to me ADHD was something that hyperactive kids had, not fully-grown adults working in advertising who checked their pension pots at the weekend. She told me about how she’d always struggled to focus on tasks, (like changing the name on her passport) how she was constantly losing things, (like her passport application form) and how she felt like she was always running late. As she explained it and we learned more about the condition, reluctantly (on my part) everything began to make a little bit too sense to be a coincidence. Over the next few weeks, we researched more and more, – and by that I mean watched YouTube and listened to a podcast – talked to a friend who’d been recently diagnosed, (thanks Sarah!) and eventually spent the money we’d be saving for a new sofa for Abi to be diagnosed with ADHD.
As I sit here now, I understand I can’t understand Abi’s internal experience, as much as I try, and the acceptance of her condition has been as much of a challenge for her as it is for me. She struggles with the common responses people have when she talks about ADHD to friends or people at work or family – ‘we’re all like that from time to time’, or ‘such a hipster condition right now’ – or the dismissive attitude people seem to have about its effects. It’s hard to watch her go through that, but at the same time I understand, because that was me too. I used to experience her talking about her ADHD as an excuse, but I can see what I was missing now. She’s not trying to excuse her forgetfulness (et al), she’s just letting me know that there’s something outside of her control or choice.
So I hope its clear there’s love and patience and understanding there, but at times it can almost impossible to be the one expected to be understanding and patient and loving, dealing with the unpredictability of her behaviour, and then topping that with trying to determine which behaviours or thoughts are her ADHD without just diminishing her experience with a diagnosis reducing her to a series of symptoms. If that sentence sounds too wordy, it’s deliberately so. It’s a lot to remember in a microsecond of reaction time.
To exacerbate that challenge, those symptoms can also vary from day to day, making it difficult to plan or make decisions together. Abi forgets important tasks or appointments, can entirely forget why she’s doing things, or act impulsively without thinking through the consequences. Sometimes, if not often, we’ll make plans and as we get closer to them, it’ll become increasingly clear Abi doesn’t want to go or that the nerves (emotional dysregulation, sorry) are kicking in. The other day she told me she was going upstairs to answer some emails and when I went to bring her some tea an hour later, she was in the middle of measuring the bathroom walls. I didn’t know every wedding or party required a new ‘thing’, even if that thing looks like a thing she already has. I try and remember it’s not about failure, lacking control, or fault and that she’s doing her best to manage her symptoms. I try my hardest to avoid getting into a ‘yeah but what about my feelings?’ state of mind, but she’s not the only one affected and there are times when tolerance of seemingly-irrational response has to go both ways.
As we’ve continued to research and learn more about ADHD, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of the condition and its effects on individuals and their relationships, and in particular the ways it affects Abi as an individual. Like many in a similar position to me, I’ve learned the hard way about the effects ADHD can have on executive functioning and emotional instability. I’ve had to learn not to overwhelm her with tasks or to plan too far into the future. We now have a big noticeboard up in the kitchen with our plans and tasks on it. It helps sometimes, often even, but it can be frustrating when she either doesn’t remember to look at it, or does look at it and then goes and does something else.
I’ve also learned that ADHD is a genetic condition, which would make sense if you ever met her family, and that there are many different approaches to treatment. I’ve learned, or at least I’m trying to, that some aspects of the condition simply aren’t ‘fixable’ in a way my non-ADHD brain might understand, and need acceptance, understanding, and a release of some of the emotional weight before we even think about ways we might work together towards a positive or manageable change. I’m trying to support her in whatever treatment approach she finds helpful, and I’m always looking for ways to help her manage her symptoms more effectively. I write this article because we managed to find a brilliant counsellor for her on ADHD Counselling UK. The counsellor’s understanding of the condition, and the ways she has helped Abi talk about her emotional experience, has helped her in immeasurable ways.
From my own perspective, I’ve learned empathy and communication is key in any relationship, especially when one partner has ADHD. I try to put myself in my wife’s shoes and understand her perspective, even when her behaviour is driving me insane. I’m trying as hard as I can to be more patient and supportive, and to avoid blaming or criticising her for things outside of her control.
At times, I still find myself feeling overwhelmed. Abi’s counsellor invited me to one of her sessions and told me that “when one person in the relationship has ADHD, you both have ADHD” and there’s so much truth in that. There are times I worry about our future together and whether we will be able to navigate the challenges of ADHD as a couple. However, I also recognise that our relationship is defined by so much more than just her condition, which predates her diagnosis by more than a decade. The person is still the same and the behaviours are still the same, we just have a name for some of them now.
My advice to anyone facing the same challenges as us – and it seems as though there are many – is that with patience, understanding, and empathy, anything is possible. The nature of ADHD people seems to be that they spend so long looking for understanding in themselves and others, and live their lives with a near-permanent sense of outsider-ness, that a little effort seems to go an awfully long way. Talk to each other. Give the person the benefit of the doubt when they say they don’t know why.
I’d want to stress to anyone reading this article that its point is not to suggest that if you have a partner with ADHD, the best-case net result of any potential significant effort is tolerance. My experience with Abi has deepened our understanding and love of one another in ways I don’t think we may have shared if not for her diagnosis. When I see Abi thrive, my world is full of the reflected light of hers.
And the more we travel down this path, despite its difficulties, the more she continues to shine.